Since returning from our sabbatical, we’ve been doing nothing but research on the NBA entry draft. We’ve pored through eligible player profiles, read up on all the pre-draft camp scuttlebutt, and spent hours sorting through Chad Ford’s garbage. Mostly, though, we’ve been checking out the numerous mock drafts, an exercise that seems really important to a lot of people and laughingly meaningless to most, kind of like The Grateful Dead. Although it is undoubtedly the biggest growth sector in sports journalism, we couldn’t help but notice a glaring need that the Draft Mockeration industry had yet to address, namely the 3rd round. How was it that literally every single mock draft ignored prognostication of a round that has produced such greats as Drazen Petrovic, Craig Ehlo, Don Nelson, and Chris Engler? Then we remembered that the NBA got rid of the 3rd round after the 1988 draft, but by that time we had already done our mock. We didn’t call in sick to work for nothing, so here goes.
61. Miami Heat
C.J. Giles/6’11”, 235/Oregon State
At one point projected as a late first round/early second round pick, Giles falls to the Heat after a negatively-viewed performance at the Orlando pre-draft camp, where he showed up a week late and stole a TV.
62. Seattle Supersonics
Drew Neitzel/6’0”, 180/Michigan State
Things do not get off on the right foot in Oklahoma for the Sonics as they draft a guy who looks like Timothy McVeigh.
63. Memphis Grizzlies
Igor Milosevic/6’4”, 195/Crvena Zvezda, Serbia
Although no relation to Slobodan Milosevic, Memphis hopes the specter of the former Serbian strongman will scare the bejesus out of Darko.
64. Orlando Magic (via trade with Minnesota)
Fran Vasquez/6’11”, 230/FC Barcelona
The Magic trade up to draft Vasquez again in hopes of double-dog daring him to play in the NBA.
65. Los Angeles Clippers
Sasha Kaun/6’11”, 250/Kansas
Insider reports suggest that the Clips pick Kaun simply because Elgin Baylor is a huge Chaka Khan fan, but Baylor contends he hasn’t forgiven Khan since she left Rufus in ’78.
66. New York Knicks
Jaycee Carroll/6’2”, 175/Utah State
In an attempt to improve the locker room atmosphere, the Knicks draft the WAC player of the year, a married 25 year old former Mormon missionary who majored in teaching Spanish. In three weeks he will be seen “makin’ it rain” with Zach Randolph at a strip club in Lower Manhattan.
67. Milwaukee Bucks
Hakan Demirel/6’3”, 190/Fenerbahce Ulker
The Bucks shore up their backcourt by drafting a 38 year old Turkish BMW salesman.
68. New York Knicks (from the Charlotte Bobcats)
Stephen Curry/6’3”, 185/Davidson
Realizing he made a big mistake by going back to Davidson while guys like Bill Walker flirt with the first round, Curry hops a plane to NYC where David Stern promptly uses the Bobcats pick to select him for the Knicks.
69. Chicago Bulls
Joch Mikrobertsvic/6’10”, 240/KK Zagreb
This unknown lefty showed up out of nowhere late in the Croatian league with nothing but a McDonald’s All-American MVP trophy. Although he posted solid numbers in the Adriatic League, he also displayed a poor attitude, an unwillingness to mix it up inside, and a borderline hunchback.
70. New Jersey Nets
Kojo Mensah/6’1”, 180/Duquesne
Being drafted here merely so the Nets can ask Kojo Mensah who he is and why he’s leaving a perfectly usable scholarship.
71. Indiana Pacers
Henk Norel/6’11”, 212/Alicante (Netherlands)
Concerned Mike Dunleavy’s inherent white geekiness is affecting his play, the Pacers draft the 20 year old Dutchman, who promptly makes fun of Dunleavy for this photo.
73. Atlanta Hawks
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute/6’8”, 232/ UCLA/
“Hi, I’m Luc’s phone. But he’s not going to answer because…Luc is a dillweed. So even though you called him like 2 years ago to tell him he should have declared for the draft while teams thought he was still a lottery pick and not a borderline NBDL player, he’s not calling you back.”
74. Miami Heat (from Sacramento Kings in exchange for 2009 4th round pick)
Kevin McKenna/5’4”, 125/Miami Dade High School
The Heat’s “GM for a Day” contest goes horribly awry when winner Margie McKenna selects her 14 year old son. It is later discovered the selection was actually made by Pat Riley.
75. Philadelphia 76ers
Reggie Huffman/6’7”, 216/UAB
Huffman is a 27 year old Junior who has forfeited his last year of eligibility to concentrate on his degree. He did the same in high school and also served four years in the Air Force. Nobody likes a one-upper, Reggie.
76. Toronto Raptors
Kalen Grimes/6’9”, 250/Missouri
Like Reggie Huffman, Grimes sat out his final year of eligibility to work on completing his degree. Unlike Hoffman, his departure from the Missouri squad was hastened by his cracking some dude in the head with the butt of a shotgun.
77. Denver Nuggets (via trade with Portland)
Haywood Jablowme/6’10”, 235/Phuket U.
A complete mystery to just about everyone, the Nuggets were apparently tipped about this Thai league big man by Blazers’ GM Kevin Pritchard. Pritchard did not comment on the pick as he could not stop laughing.
78. Washington Wizards
Derrick Caracter/6’9”, 265/Louisville
The ironically named Caracter is perhaps the only player in the draft who holds the distinction of being suspended for breaking curfew twice…in the same night. This is not a joke.
79. Cleveland Cavaliers
Tanner Bronson/5’11”, 170/Wisconsin
Bronson showed the scoring improvement every year of college that pro scouts like to see, raising his average from .2 his freshman year, to .3 as a sophomore, to .4 his junior year, finally topping out at .5 as a senior. The Cavs are holding their breath that he hasn’t peaked too soon.
80. Golden State Warriors
Rafael Hettsheimeier/6’10”, 260/Brazil
Draft Trivia: Before relocating to South America in the early 1940’s, Hettsheimeier’s grandfather played for the German national team, a country that ironically his family is no longer allowed to legally enter.
81. Portland Trailblazers (via trade with Denver Nuggets)
Davon Jefferson/6’8”, 215/USC
Sure there was a chance he might go undrafted, but if you’re an athlete at USC and the curriculum is kicking your ass, college just might not be the best place for you.
82. Dallas Mavericks
Lorenzo Mata-Real/6’9”, 240/UCLA
This pick has less to do with Mata-Real’s basketball prowess and more to do with Mark Cuban’s speculative investment in sweatband futures.
83. Minnesota Timberwolves (via trade with Orlando)
Dramatic Squirrel/8”, 11 oz./Habitrail
The Synergy between You Tube videos and analyzing basketball ability reaches its apex when the TWolves select this online favorite.
85. Houston Rockets
Baker Dunleavy/6’5”, 205/Villanova
In case you thought Mike Jr. was the biggest ninny in the family, realize that Baker played in the Netherlands for a team called the Matrixx Magixx. The WNBA thinks that’s kind of gay.
84. Utah Jazz
Trent Plaisted/6’11”, 240/BYU
When interviewed by the Deseret News, an exasperated Plaisted says, “I came out early so I could blow off my mission and I still have to live in fucking Utah? Fuck it, I’m going to Europe.”
86. Phoenix Suns
Tron Smith/6’3”, 210/St. Mary’s College
An obvious companion pick to the Sun‘s 2nd round selection, Tyrone Biggums.
87. New Orleans Hornets
Rob Kurz/6’9”, 232/Notre Dame
Weighing the NBA against an offer from the Matrixx Magixx.
88. San Antonio Spurs
Joey Dorsey/6’9”, 265/Memphis
When asked who had the best draft overall, Jeff Van Gundy cites the Spurs for this pick saying it gives them the toughness they needed for another championship run, a comment considered outlandish until the Spurs win the 2009 NBA Championship thanks to Series MVP Joey Dorsey.
89. Sacramento Kings (Compensatory Pick)
As amends for the infamously officiated Game 6 the NBA gives the Kings an extra draft pick, which they use to draft 12 kids from Guam so that they can reappropriate their 2002 Western Conference Finals Champions t-shirts.
90. Los Angeles Lakers
Glen Dorsey/6’2”, 299/LSU
After spending their first two picks on jump-shooting Euros, the Lakers finally address their interior defense.
91. Detroit Pistons
DeAndre Jordan/7’0”, 260/Texas A&M
The draft’s biggest slider, Jordan is found after 3 hours in the Green Room weeping naked in a fetal position and eating his tie.
92. Boston Celtics
Sebastian Telfair/6’0”, 183/Abraham Lincoln H.S.
With the last pick in the third round Danny Ainge finally reaquires the guy he gave up Brandon Roy for two years ago.
