Sequels suck, and we have no intention of sucking, at least by no choice of our own. But it was recently brought to our attention by our lawyers (and by lawyers we mean our respective fathers…how else could we afford to blog all the time? Thanks Dads!) that according to Title IX not pursuing a piece involving Women’s Coaches would leave us liable to lawsuits, and ever since that “undercover” fiasco at Cole Field House a little less than a decade ago lawsuits are something we generally try to avoid. Besides, since our previous piece on men’s head coaches was easily the most, if not only, widely read of ours, we figured we needed something to fill the dead time until March when every office in the country starts googling “St. Mary’s”.
We tried to lure back the esteemed guest panel of our gay brother, straight sister, and wife, but there’s still some bad feelings since we made them look at one too many pictures of Phil Martelli (Coincidentally, one seems to be one too many.) So until we are able to procure shirtless pictures of Anthony Grant to entice them back, we are going to have to rely solely on the services of a bi-curious family friend and the Gen-X lesbian that works at our local café. She promised not to spit in my frappucino any more if I let her chime in. Enjoy.
C. Vivian Stringer
Bill Clinton, Cokie Roberts, Howard Stern. Those are the names of just a handful of luminaries insulted, alienated, and hurt during the illustrious career of one Don Imus, who spent 20 plus years on the radio making 50 year old Vanderbilt grads laugh while confusing everyone else (Unless you too are fond of Boo Radley references.) Despite op eds, protests, and refusals among some of Washington and Manhattan’s media and political elite, Imus ranted unabated. That is until he fucked with C. Vivian Stringer, who took 5 syllables and submarined Imus’ career with the force and air of inevitability usually reserved for French fiction. Stringer also makes the list for the C initial in her name, an indication, generally, of bad assedness. CCH Pounder, George C. Scott, Cee-Lo, even the Odwallla Strawberry C Monster…only C. Thomas Howell undermines the credibility of this crew.
* Gen-X lesbian – I like a woman who can kick my ass. This woman could kick Russell Crowe’s ass.
* Bi-curious family friend – Who is this? I don’t know this girl. I would totally make out with Angelina Jolie.
Chancellor continues the long standing SEC tradition of basketball coaches that bear an uncanny resemblance to alcoholic southern lawyers trying to fight through the DTs to win one last case and bring healing to a racially divided small town. Of course that situation isn’t entirely different from what he’s got to deal with in the post-Pokey environment at LSU, but as long as he can avoid contracting the vapors and excessive parasol shopping the Lady Tigers should be in fine shape.
* Gen-X lesbian – He looks like my dad. I fucking hate my dad. Every woman adores a Fascist/The boot in the face, the brute/Brute heart of a brute like you.
* Bi-curious family friend – Have you seen Bound? What about the uncut version of Wild Things?
Few women can pull off the Black Jack Dealer at an Indian Casino look at get away with it. Jones is one of those few. She may smoke GPCs like a chimney when she’s off her shift, but that doesn’t mean she wants you blowing that smoke in her face Grandma, she doesn’t care what church group you came with. And she isn’t rescheduling her shift the night Ron White is in town, your induced labor be damned.
We’d imagine it ain’t easy coaching at a school with both high academic standards and beach proximity, which is why we totally understand the power of an authoritative perm.
* Bi-curious family friend – Me and my friend Thalia were at this Handcuffs and Heinekens exchange and we were cuffed together and it just felt really special so we just started making out and all these guys were taking pictures and yelling and this dick Craig put the pictures up on his Facebook and why can’t he just respect the sanctity and intimacy of our connection?
* Gen-X lesbian – She looks like my first lover or my freshman Sociology prof. Wait a minute…that was the same person.
How tough is this list? If we’d included her among the men on our previous post and done a legit ranking Summit would have landed at 2. Here? She’d clock in around 9. Though it bears pointing out that Summit looks about 10 billion times more intimidating on her SI cover…
Than Knight looked on his…even with Satanic tint…
* Bi-curious family friend – Don’t get me wrong. Guys can satisfy me I guess. But it’s just not the same experience it is with a girl, they make hooking up in a Hooter’s urinal special.
* Gen-X lesbian – Who’s the chick in the second SI cover? She looks like my landlord’s partner.
The problem with coaching in the culture of homely is that even when you’re pretty, you’re pretty screwed by time. Take Brenda Frese. She’s better looking than you think she is. But all those ’06 overtime games, impending twins, and Talbot’s pant suits can’t not catch up with a person. It’s not that she’s not still attractive, she is. But she’s a little weathered now, and while weathered works on ships, jeans and men’s college basketball coaches, it doesn’t always work on women. Except Estelle Getty.
* Gen-X lesbian – You know, I don’t mean to rain on the older generation’s parade but wearing bad pantsuits doesn’t automatically make you a lesbian. It takes a little something called social activism, as well as a lot of labial piercings and comfortable shoes.
* Bi-curious family friend – Is this Pour Some Sugar on Me? Shut the fuck up and give me a boost to the table. I looooove Fat Tuesday’s!
We like to think of ourselves as a fairly college sports savvy duo, but even we have to admit being slightly naïve about the Univesity of Arkansas at Monticello and their Gulf South Conference. It is a Division II Conference we know, and we’re pretty sure their web page is at GeoCities. It also appears their basketball coaches moonlight as Wedding DJs.
* Bi-curious family friend – Why won’t this Larry Eustachy guy leave me the fuck alone?!?
* Gen-X lesbian – I hate to be politically incorrect, but personally I’m not into the gender reassignment thing. No amount of hormone therapy and resulting facial hair is going to hide the fact that you were born without a Y chromosome.
For those who have ever harbored a secret desire to jump on the hot “large” girl, Johnson-Klein blows the doors off of any Lane Bryant catalog model. In fact she blows the doors off most catalog models period, with the obvious exception of Victoria’s Secret and Chico’s, whose models do have a certain frumpy charm. Unfortunately she’s no longer coaching, though she does still have contact with her former school Fresno State, most recently last week when a California judes “reduced” her wrongful termination judgement from $19 million to $6.6 million. Hell hath no fury like a smoking hot full-figured gal.
* Bi-curious family friend – Can I tell you a story? But you can’t tell anyone o.k.? My friend Natalie’s mom…I always thought she was looking at me but I couldn’t ever say anything right…one night we were at her parent’s cabin in Tahoe having a girls night, and Mrs. Shullman and I had been drinking all this Charles Shaw and she started to brush my hair and stroke me and I knew where her hand was going but I didn’t stop her, I couldn’t stop her, because I could feel this rush of desire pulsating through my…
* Gen-X lesbian – What are you doing?! Don’t cut over to me, jerkoff! Let her finish the story!
The truth about any remotely attractive woman in sports is that they’re almost always only attractive in that particular plane of reference. Nearly any girl wearing a skirt on the golf course is immediately hot given that you’re usually surrounded by middle managers who wear socks with sandals and cart-riding bariatric surgery candidates, but the same girl wouldn’t merit so much as a Red Bull and vodka from you at 11 pm. Put it this way – would you take Maria Sharapova over any of the girls in “Friday Night Lights”? We didn’t think so. Still Baylor head coach Mulkey-Robertson does something for us. It may be the tight sweater but more likely it’s her dead-on resemblance to Ferris Bueller’s mom.
* Gen-X lesbian – You know if you’re not doing anything later tonight I’d love to hear the end of your Tahoe story. I have this great book of Neruda poems and Henry and June on D.V.D.
* Bi-curious family friend – I’m off the Cheesecake Factory at 10:00…do you own a video camera?
Honorable Mention : Quien Es Mas Macho?
1. Bobby Cremins Division
2. Big Country Division
3. Pug-Ugly Cosby Sweater Division