The Jimmy Chitwood Files

Wherein we attempt to alleviate the anxiety of Anglos under 6’8″ everywhere by analyzing the past, present and future prospects of a selected white kid currently tearing it up collegiately. 


We meant to start this section some time ago but the reality is it just hasn’t been an exciting year for the Random White Guy. Don’t get us wrong, Hansbrough has looked spectacular and Kevin Love has shown trademark flashes of brilliance, but no one has inspired White hype hyperbole this season the way the Luke Jacksons and Morrisons and Redicks and McNamaras have of seasons past. We’re talking the kind of hype that inspires lazy Larry Bird comparisons and subsequent lazier refutations of lazy Larry Bird comparisons. We’re still not there yet this season, and consequently probably won’t be for the rest of the year, but because we all know that Tennessee won’t get out of the Elite Eight and a Tigers-Vols recap is patently unnecessary, we’re using a brilliant Sunday night performance by Kyle McAlarney to wake up the echoes. 

Name: Kyle McAlarney  kyle1.jpg

Position: Guard  

Class: Junior  

Height: 6’0″  

Game: 30 pts, including 9-11 from behind the Arc.  

Is current school synonymous with whites?: He plays for the Fighting Irish – have they had an African American player on their roster since Austin Carr? 

Can he shoot 3s?: Re-read the above stat line.  

Laziest White Guy Comparison: JJ Redick  

Most Accurate White Guy Comparison: JJ Redick. A three point shooter with a resume blemishing weed arrest? All he needs to do is compose bad poetry and send harassing text messages to Latin women. 

Distinguishing White Guy Feature (Luke Jackson had floppy hair, Adam Morrison a moustache, Redick wore Pink Polo’s): His last name is fucking McAlarney. 


Does his team have a shot come Tournament Time?: Generally we’d say be wary of any roster whose best player is a shorter Todd MacCulloch, be really wary when said player is playing for the Irish. But there’s a toughness on this team reminiscent of the early 90’s Duke squads. Syracuse is a young, brash, bullying bunch that seemed shocked by Notre Dame’s reticence to respond to the Orangemen’s chippiness. Notre Dame ain’t Elite Eight material, but they ain’t ain’t Elite Eight material either.  

Does he have a future in the NBA?: If he was a few inches taller he’d fulfill the increasingly effective role of NBA White Spot-Up Shooter (hello Kyle Korver.) But at six feet flat? He can look to a lucrative career hitting 3s alongside Bracey Wright, Darius Washington and Hanno Mattola for Aris Thessaloniki (Incidentally that’s not a joke – Wright, Washington and Mattola are playing together on a roster that has to have been constructed by Aris GM Isaiah Thomasapolus.) However, even Travis Diener found his NBA niche so there’s hope for McAlarney yet. If nothing else he can succeed fellow Golden Domer Pat Garrity as Treasurer of the NBA Player’s Union.

One Response to The Jimmy Chitwood Files

  1. FlexIcan says:

    Isn’t Aris Thessaloniki’s PG Chris Thomas? McAlarney’s aversion to defense is akin to Charlie Weis’ aversion to the choice of salad over the soup. ND won’t get any favors in the first round matchups since they’re lined up for an overall 15-18 ranking when they lose once more in the Big East and one more time in the Tourney.

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