RESUME BUILDER 101

Even though he’s wearing sunglasses indoors and staring at your chest Eric Musselman assures you he is not staring at your tits

  

Of the four or five major searches that lead misguided web wanderers to our blog, three of them – “Pat Summit Lesbian”, “Bill Self Bald”, and “John Hollinger Douche”, don’t particularly surprise us. It’s the last and often most common one, “Eric Musselman Shirtless”, that we find inexplicable. Granted there could be reasons for this. Even with the endless array of information the Internet has to offer, we’re sure there are very few pages with much mention of Musselman. And even fewer that mention him shirtless. It’s also possible that Eric Musselman, like Pierce Boner, is simply a male stripper sounding name to bored secretaries in Salt Lake City. Lastly, and most probably, Musselman has an excessive amount of time with which to Google Image himself. We bring this up because it appears that both Musselman’s free time and our Musselman-related links will be a thing of the past, at least if Musselman and his blog, or as others refer to it, resume, have anything to do with it.

 

Having wielded the tiniest bit of managerial authority in the past ourselves, we have quite a bit of experience in evaluating resumes. As anyone who has done so can tell you, it is equally as important to read between the lines when evaluating a resume. This bit of intuition tells you that things like “Worked in a fast-paced environment” generally mean “I was overworked, underpaid, and goddamn glad to be out of there”. We actually like EMuss as a college coaching candidate, if not the coach of our hometown pro five, so using our experience we’re going to provide him, absolutely free, our assessment of his website/resume, www.emuss.blogspot.com.

 

 

Now typically you look to start off with something like “Objective: To find a coaching position with a Division 1 school that will fully utilize my abilities and experience and provide a mutually beneficial relationship”. The job-seeker in this case provides a link to a recent radio program for which he was interviewed. This is highly unusual, but you know what, we like it. It tells the prospective employer, “You know why I’m here, I know why I’m here, this is what I am, bitch.” It also says that he is very, very available.

 

Unfortunately the confidence of this original opening is undermined by the next item, titled “Winning Percentage as NBA Head Coach and Current Successful College Coaches”. Musselman, never known for his subtlety (he was openly mocked by players and the media in Sacramento for his reliance on Successories-style motivational tools) wants to remind you that being a bad professional coach does not necessarily make one an inept college coach. Quite the contrary, in fact, failure at the professional level all but insures success collegiately. We don’t necessarily dispute this, but Musselman fails of course to mention that all of these coaches, prior to professional forays, were successful on the college level, something Musselman has never been. Also, by jumping right into “See, I’m not that bad!” before you’ve even listed your experience, accomplishments, etc…, he comes off about as desperate as closing time Saturday night at The Sound Factory. Still, he does make a compelling argument…

 

 

The logical conclusion being, I was at least equally as mediocre an NBA coach as those guys, just think what a great college coach I would be. Job candidate EMuss has a knack for saying things indirectly in his resume, I mean blog, such as…

 

 

I am willing to do anything in order to win. Anything.

 

Musselman also includes a section giving prospective employers a “Quick look at the last few months…” Unfortunately this desperate peek into the everyday world of an unemployed coach sounds much like, well, the everyday world of most unemployed bloggers. It is also about as quick a read as “Finnegan’s Wake” and only slightly less tedious. Still, it’s always important to draw an employer’s attention to any volunteer work one may be doing, and this section functions as such.

 

 

 

The East Bay means many things to many people. To some it includes the well-heeled Walnut Creek to Pleasanton corridor, but to most it is the heart of Raider Nation, a hard-scrabble, blue collar string of communities along Highway 880. In all likelihood then, this means that the job-seeker spent his summer coaching a ragtag group of inner city toughs from Oakland and Hayward, where they learned to harness their anger and tested the limits of the human heart while winning against all odds.

 

 

Or not.

 

In truth, Musselman has always been a master of passive aggressive self promotion. It’s impossible to think of him without thinking of Homer Simpson’s retort to Marge while visiting the Amazon, “I’m not not licking toads.” And honestly we’ve advocated his hiring in the WCC since January. But one would think there are more sophisticated ways of campaigning for a job then the blog equivalent of the shirtless in the mirror My Space photo. Honestly given our search history, a shirtless in the mirror photo of Musselman may be more than enough.

Advertisements

2 Responses to RESUME BUILDER 101

  1. k says:

    you seem to overlook the relevance of coaching the AAU team. It suggests future recruiting potential.

  2. FlexIcan says:

    The recruiting potential of an AAU Sixth Grade team is very forward thinking. Please let me know if begin cruising the elementary schools, Mr. Gacy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: